twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
