I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
