He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
