Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Randomize
