I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
