Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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