Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
