paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
