I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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