And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Randomize
