Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
