You smell like stripper and shame
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
