i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
My liver just had a heart attack.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
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