DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
