I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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