My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
