I hate your face
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
