I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
