Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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