If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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