I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
