I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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