Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Randomize
