I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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