Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
