There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
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