i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
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