apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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