there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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