I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
