how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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