non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
