dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
