Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
