fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
i think i just lost a toe
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
