I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
