she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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