I haven't been this sober since birth.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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