I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
My penis needs a shock collar
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
How does one acquire holy water?
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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