Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
