So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Randomize
