Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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