I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
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I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
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Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.