he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
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We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
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He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.