im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.