the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
