I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Randomize
