so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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