That's when you crack a 10am beer
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize
