I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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