I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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