You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
