im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
