My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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