I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
