I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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