dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
