I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
