There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
