tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
