the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
