Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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