I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
